A walk in the rain washes the frets away

Saturday,

15th January 2011,

2002 hours.

Hey, 2002 hours? The numbers are nice isn't it? 

Every number is nice, you idiot.

Alright-alright. Calm down, I am not going to fight with my "dark" inner self much. So,

An nyeong! It's "Hello" in Korea. I just got into these K-Pop thingy lately. I don't know what's into me these days. *sighs

Nevermind, so here's the thing. Today is Saturday and Saturday is CATURDAY. It should be fun right? But today is also the opposite day. 

Aku tak tahu tiba-tiba gatal tangan nak tulis hari ini. So here we go.

HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY

Two cats were cuddling gave me the smack in the head.

It started to rain heavily when I got to the musolla at about 1905 hours to do the Maghrib prayers right after I finished my dinner.

Okay, I lied. I wasn't gone to the musolla right after that. 

I had smoked two cigarettes back then. I am so sorry God, I lied to my mom and dad about being stopped from smoking.  I am terribly sorry, Big Guy.

Fast forward to an hour later, I went to the musolla alone and it was pretty much cloudy, before it started to rain heavily when I got there. Skip the part where I had peed and took my wudhu', I sat in the musolla waiting patiently for the muazin to recite the azan.

And then-

I saw these two cats just got in and cuddling each other whilst licking themselves complimentarily because they just got wet from the rain. And I was like, "Oh, that is so sweet—"

Then I paused.

A sudden newsflash with a hideous face of mine spoke right to my face:

"You are lonely."

Then I dumbfounded for about 2 seconds, and idiotically threw up a question to myself,

"Am I lonely?"

I died a little inside.

Fuck. 

Literally. 

It's been a year now. I am loathly messed up.

These flaws are still messing with me. I want to get rid of them. But I just can't. 

NOT FOR NOW.

But then, I suddenly realized our own ultimate objective, goal, whatever you want to call it. 

WE, US, THE HUMANS, 

OUR PLAIN, DELIBERATE PRIMARY GOAL. 

For why we were being created. Our beautiful and well-favored earth and infinitely beauteous expanding universe. And to ourselves, His greatest creation, the humans. Look at us. 

Crafted by the hand of God.

We need to be ready. Be prepared for the worst and just give our best shot for the best. As they say,

Ajal di tangan Allah.

Then, I told myself that I need to grow up. But sometimes I feel like I already grown up. Then there are days I want nothing more than to be a child. Finding the perfect balance is difficult when you feel that your heart is pulled from multiple angles. But I guess that’s what growing up is about. Making decisions, choices, sacrifices.

So I talk silently to the Creator at night in between sleep, when I am lonely, when I am scared, then whisper a prayer to Him.

"Oye Allah, thank you for your soft touch. Thank you for all of these long lasting sustenances."

Then I awakened and realized I was in a middle of the pathway along to the musolla.

Wet. Cold. In a rain. I feel cleansed. All my frets, doubts, tweaks, are washed away. Just like that.

And now, here I am, sitting in front of the laptop. Wondering. Whilst listening to Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead. And my heart. Underneath my weak, fallible and delicate bosom.

I need to get these out. Seriously.